With recent events, I have now arrived at an understanding that I deviate between two extremes. Nihilism and optimism (not the toxic kind). I know the nature of life, but sometimes believe that the power of thought alone can go against all worldly challenges. Other times, nothing could shake me from thinking that all existence is meaningless and is but a series of moments leading to one inevitable main event: Death.
I think of death often and in-depth. I read somewhere that all we could do is prepare for it, but no amount of preparation will make you ready for it when it does come. Why? Maybe it’s because we are so used to living.
I wonder presently, what comes after death and what the afterlife brings with it.
That is all a sort of a preface to what I really want to write about.
What irks me most is the ‘not knowing for sure’, bit which comes with everything. Whatever bits and pieces, what little I seem to grasp of this whole thing has taught me that knowledge isn’t always necessarily healthy too. Contradiction.
Experience stands testimony that knowing something with certainty has always stripped me of something. Every solved puzzle left in its wake a void that I then struggled to fill with something- anything.
The ‘what now?’ would always leave me miserable.
I see people commit to certain lifestyles, conform to certain beliefs, change, remain the same, understand, turn the other cheek….
I see people become completely oblivious, some vibrating so close with the eclectic energy of nature itself-
I see people give up, hold on, accept what they cannot change, and change what they refuse to accept.
I see all that and more. I do all that myself, and more. And I wonder. “To what end?”
What is strength in the face of awareness? The prejudiced belief that one is without a single weakness- in itself I believe- is the biggest, most dangerous weakness of all.
We label everything. We chase a lot. Happiness, validation, originality, the perfect this, and the perfect that.
All these great minds I read of. All the philosophy in the world. And following that, the chase. My chase for answers where none exists. A stubborn resolve to be able to understand everything. Someone called me a heretic the other day. Bless him, he is spot on.
The more I look for answers, the more it seems to me that it makes no sense for a definitive answer to exist.
I waited on that ‘empowerment’ which supposedly came with knowing more. In my opinion, it’s just overhyped heresy. The more I knew the more I detached I got. More silent. In places where I would’ve argued or defended myself, I now fall completely silent and still. The slowing down is epic. One would know if they had faced similar situations.
The clarity you are hit with at times like such almost makes you nauseated as you tell yourself repeatedly ‘Not worth it,’ ‘Not worth the tangle of minds,’ ‘Withdraw.’
At first, I got mad to have resignation come from within me so boldly, so purely, without inhibition. And then with more understanding came yet some more of that stillness. It gets to a certain point where you are unshaken when someone condemns your resignation and takes it as their win.
I guess, with knowing comes empathy. Not the headstrong kind which passes off as empathy these days. The kind where you ‘empathize’ with someone because you deem yourself the bigger, nobler man. No. not that bullshit. But what I see as the purest kind, which comes with knowing their reasons and knowing yours. Knowing all the possible outcomes of that conversation/happening, and then finally, choosing to not disturb their peace along with protecting one’s own inner peace.
Humans are always tricky business. Stepping away sometimes teaches you a lot. Might I even say, it teaches others a thing or two too?
Still, look out for yourself. People ruin most things they touch. You are People. I am People.
